inspiration and the panic thereof

tagline: Do you have what it takes?

i saw the surprisingly hilarious movie, "julie & julia" today and it not so gently forced me to remember/be overwhelmed by the real reason i decided to slip my foot into the overcrowded pool known as the blogging world or "blogosphere" for those who speak internet. its no surprise to those that really know me that i have a few, shall we say, issues...alright, they're downright complexes if i'm being honest (which i am, by the way). my self-esteem is definitly not where it should be as i stand on the cliff overlooking the crevace of my 30's. self-doubt and fear of failure have been my unwelcome companions since i turned 15 and my body decided to go from stick figure to queen latifah over a not so forgettable summer spent in a trailer in my aunt's backyard. too much information? moving on...lets just say, i've always felt like a needed i talent that could be outwardly weighed against other peoples' talents instead of just "being a good friend" as my mom used to tell me in order to make me feel better. it never really worked. i needed to be a volleyball star like the rest of my athletic, taller friends. i needed to be a better singer, like the ones that actually got the leading roles in the musicals that i watched from backstage. i wanted to be a dancer, a gymnast, an actor that actually got to be on stage for more than 5 minutes at a time as a townsperson...blah blah blah...you understand. the point in all this is that i think i've discovered a talent, but i'm too afraid to do anything about it. i think i'm a writer and that's why i started the blog.
after giving birth to luke, i struggled a little bit with the post-partum blues as they are so interestingly called. i was pretty depressed. i didn't leave my house and i didn't spend a lot of my free-time doing much other than sleeping and berating myself for not doing anything with said free-time. i'm not looking for any sympathy here or anything, just giving some backstory. i finally decided that i just was not going to scrapbook. its not me. i'm not organized or really creative...i've come to grips with it. i tried knitting with the little contraption from joanne's that a 3 year old can function. that lasted for a month or so. i had heard of blogging and had already decided that no one would want to read an online journal. why would people care if luke threw up that day or if i actually ran an errand or cooked a meal? then again, writing was the one skill that i knew i had even if it was buried somewhere deep inside, so i went ahead and began with the full intent of not sounding like the lame housewife that i felt like, but more the funny writer that i knew was brimming under the surface. upon returning home from the movie (a couple days ago now) i realized that my blog has started to become exactly what i didn't intend. i've moved from witty daily banter meant to spawn an idea for a book to travel log that is definitly not updated as much as i'd like.
all that being said, i have a new goal, which, in turn scares the heck out of me. i need to move forward, full speed ahead, without letting the outcome overwhelm me before i get there. how is it you eat an elephant again?

by the end of this, my 30th year, wow, that's crazy...i need to have a specific direction for this blog or the beginning of a children's book down on paper. whew, i guess that's it then. i will find out of i really have what it takes without being too scared to even start. good luck to me...i think i'm gonna need it.