Thursday, May 7, 2009

warning: not your average, witty post...read at your own risk

i'm feeling a little bit reflective as i've watched the clock move slowly, but surely from 4:00 am to 5:30. my "lovely" son decided to grace me with his presence at that unsightly hour and his little sister didn't wait too long to follow suit. she luckily knows how to go back to sleep while the sun does, but the former seems to think that darkness equals daytime. we're working on that...aka he's back in the crib when we eventually get to the aparment at a time yet to be determined this week.
as i sit here, trying not to eat to pass the time, i ponder on how i'm struggling a little with, well, sleep deprivation, let's be honest...but more heavily on my mind and not so broad shoulders is the outlook of this summer and the business that, for the first time, has a hazy outlook. with the exit of the person that has been with andy pretty much since he forayed into the world of satellite sales and installation 5 years ago, i'm left with a sense of insecurity with a dash of foreboding. i'm not doubting my husband's abilities or the fact that this is where we need to be at this time, but i was really surprised at the nervousness that has creeped into the forefront of my mind. was i wrapped up in a fuzzy security blanket of someone else's experience knowing that we had a united front against the thousands of doors that are so easily closed before they are opened? or is it merely the stress that i can literally see resting not so lightly on my eternal companion's heart and mind?

i know that heavenly father has a plan, but i can't help but to, every once in a while, wonder why the plan that was already in motion had to change. i hope this isn't coming across as my personal version of the apocalypse. we're really doing well with little miracles happening all the time.

i guess change is just sometimes that unwanted backseat driver that accompanies all of us along life's short, rocky journey. its not above sharing its opinion on where we should turn or how fast we should go, making sure to inform us that we were wrong in making certain decisions. being wrong sometimes, however, means that at other times, we're right. either way, we're always moving forward and with each turn in the road, comes a new experience and usually a happiness that we didn't expect or anticipate. i know that bend in the road is approaching and when it does, i'll know why "the plan" veered off its seemingly comfortable course. until then, i appreciate this opportunity i've had to share my thoughts even if they were just brought by my good buddy, sleep deprivation.

5 comments:

Annie said...

i love you, tara! I think you should check out "felix and the worrier" by rosemary wells next time you are in the kids section of your local library. It always makes me smile!

adam said...

"why the plan that was already in motion had to change"

Good question. No easy answers, especially during the experience.

The Dyk Family said...

Times of upheaval are so hard... especially when things were so secure before. I'm sorry you two are so stressed right now. When I'm frustrated about Dave's job situation and the lack of time I get to spend with him (seems like there's always been something since we've been married - either school, travel or the stupid economy), I just try to remember my many blessings and that always helps. Sounds like you are doing that already. :) P.S. We'd love to see you if you feel up to it!

We are the Zitzmans said...

You are awesome and I love you too. Vent it out sister...you and I are a lot a like that way. The time of being tired will go away I promise!

I am sorry this time is so stressful for you guys, like you said your hubby is an allstar and you guys went into this prayerfully.

So take some advice from your friend Pot, "Kettle, try to remember to be patient and cut yourself some slack, this too will pass!"

jen said...

I know change sucks, we have all been there and done that. But I have faith in you guys. You always make things work and you are an awesome team so no worries. I have never worried that you two would not be okay with this new situation. Love you guys loads!!